my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
