I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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