So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
that's an acceptable place to lick
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
