This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
they're like a gay fantastic four
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
