Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
