Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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