I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
