but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
