So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
