his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
