Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I did not marry a roomba.
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