so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
