u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
