He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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