I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
