On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
She needs sedatives and a leash
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize