I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
