Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
