Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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