I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
