Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
