Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
