Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
