I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
