i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize