does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize