I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
