so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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