I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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