I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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