White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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