Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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