The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
