I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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