4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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