i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
