I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So here I am, sexting at work.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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