the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize