dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
