well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
