and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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