I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
