umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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