Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
