I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
