I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
