Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Congratulations! We have a period
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