I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
