If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
ttyl tear gas
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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