So drunk its hurt
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
