I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
