She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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