Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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