You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
