She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
