I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
