forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
