she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
