There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
