why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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