I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
