he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
