you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
