Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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